i think this is it, this is the end this time.

do you think it's possible that you could scrape a sliver of glass off a bowl with the edge of a paper clip and get it gobbed up in the resin you were fishing out? what would happen if you smoked that shit? would it like, crystallize in yr lungs like asbestos? bloom into zillions of micro glass flowers and form a frozen garden in yr chest? or would it leave yr shit working but scorched forever, like from a puff of world trade center air?

(before they vanished from this earth forever, all the anonymous, ground-up wall-to-wall carpet fibers and human bone fragments and copy machine vapor and vinyl chair dust and board room projector bits made certain that they secretly signed their names, zoro style, in the lungs of the living who dared to breathe in their essence--bellee dat!)

i feel like there's something tickling in there, deep down, every time i take a breath.

fuck it. enough with the psychodrama. it's that closing in feeling again, that's what it is. i'm fucked up to be having it but not fucked up enough not to know what it is. a couple of deals have fallen through; meanwhile, i'm trying but failing to find a valid way to make it in the straight world. i'm struggling to make shit connect, but it's so much work, i feel there would have to be at least two of me in order to make it really happen.

to top it all off, someone's fucking with my page, man. little things, shit maybe only i notice. cuz i notice everything, party people. it's my life's great blessing as well as its curse. this afternoon, for instance, the b&w drawing of the girls fucking was gone. the one on the left. in its place was a jpg depicting a square of cracked rock with this written over it:


is that supposed to mean "obedient"? wtf, i'm thinking it might be the christians. or someone playing off of that. i went to check my stats and when i came back the pic was back.

fitz if this is you again, i just want you to know that i'm really going to stop talking to you this time. if yr going to hack the site at least do something cool. i mean, really.

but i don't think it's fitz...i don't know who it is...sterling told me to cool it on the blog for a bit...she said i should look at whatever was happening as a compliment...

but that's just her and her fucked up way of seeing things

daddy's home

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