ha! there are tons of shortcomings when living in the truth. in the past, when no one commented, i could always start things off myself by posting a comment as one of the other two. if i was really bored i'd have the characters throw out some innuendos, maybe get into a fight...you know, whatever i thought would spice shit up. how do other bloggers do it--just sitting around waiting for things to happen? i got so bored today that i even went to antonio's site for the first time in months. i fucked around in his comments, just for kicks, but it was like taking potshots at someone whose head is already full of holes. don't get me wrong, i have nothing against the man, but it's like i told jim--he and his sychophant fans tend to give me that not-so-fresh high school feeling.

anyway, now that it's starting to sink in that i really am only one person and that the three characters i built this blog around were just that--made-up characters--i'm starting to get some interesting correspondance. someone wrote: "there's something fucked up about the whole thing. it was like you were out there flirting with yourself--coming on to yourself. isn't there something sick and twisted about that?" well, i don't know. would you say that to a "regular" author, regarding the characters in the book that he or she wrote? is it something we even think about at all when we tear open our latest cardboard encased fix from amazon dot calm? god, i wonder if the author was really turned on when the main characters finally hit the sack? was he or she like, touching themselves with one hand while writing it with the other?

of course, when you get down to it, there is something masturbatory about writing. it's like this dirty little act that you do alone, when no one's looking...but it was as though this person who wrote to me was ESPECIALLY offended by BRANDTRUEBOY being a solitary effort. "isn't it more the fact that i was lying?" i wrote back. "doesn't it have to do more with the fact that you really believed in it?" the person didn't write back, so i'm not sure what they made of that. someone else asked me, "what the fuck do you care what people think? ...i think it's their own damn fault if they believe everything they read on the internet." well, yes, maybe so. you should never blindly believe that everything you read is the truth, but i can't help but think that most people came here thinking they were in the autobiography section, and not the fiction dept. while no one with a brain expects an autobiography to be the god's honest TRUTH, they don't expect it to be blatantly made-up, what-the-fuck-whatever-goes either.

but back to sex and masturbation. it's kind of funny, actually, because for all its posturing, this blog was strictly PG. OK, maybe PG-13 (i forgot about TRUE's relationship with Jules, the black tranny). for the most part, however, i was operating on a bollywood vibe, where the build-up is more exciting than the act itself. and that's not because i'm a chick, and i'm all into foreplay, because truth be told, i'm not even all that into foreplay. if i have to choose between having my titties played with and coming really hard, let me tell you, there's no contest.

but that's making love...or having sex, or whatever. when it comes to writing a love story, imo, the greatest one you can tell is about two people who are totally into each other but never actually get together. all that yearning...that's what i tried to have between TRUE and sterling. there's a scene that i keep trying to write, in which they really almost get together. i mean, literally--i wanted sterling to get on top of TRUE and have her kissing TRUE's neck and everything, but then...well, i don't know. it seems strange to just tell it now--this tender, yet kind of screwed up moment that i've been working on in my mind for so long. it would be like finally being able to afford the diamond engagement ring you saved up three years to buy and then just tossing it at the person you wanted to marry like it was no big deal. it was the scene i wanted it to be the real end to the blog, but as you can see, i fucked all that up.

some other time. i need to lie down now. i'm still sick.

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