im just gonna write this and let it take me where it goes. i never do that. everything i write is planned planned planned. the way i used to ride the trains in the middle of the nite with my ear buds in and my stickers in my side pockets. even now it's hard not to press the left arrow and edit edit edit.

or else i get distracted like i just did. the other browser window was open to my blog and i started commenting on it. sometimes i just want to disappear into the happiness that u world full of fake real friends provide me. but what will that bring me? how will that get me anywhere?

fuck. it doesn't matter anyway: suddenly some amazing hip hop has come on and im realizing again that it doesnt matter. that no one is ever really there for u. that there's only god. and by god i dont know how to describe it, and yet i know that there's some part of each of u that knows exactly what i mean. and i don't mean religions but i dont NOT mean religions. i mean this exact moment, when i have so many dreams and so many ideas and so many WORDS. i just need the time. i need the support. i need someone who is there for me 1000 percent. except here i am and