soon i had no choice but to crush up three or four ultram ers and snort a fat rail on my red aluminum commode.

i found myself fingering myself in the bathroom, either imagining or actually hearing my neighbors having sex then pulling up my chinos i ran out into the city streets...pain free, brain free...a gigantic bubble of air had risen like a tumor from my lungs pushing thru my throat to my brain. i was nearly being suffocated by air!



i went into the american apparel store on 63rd and proceeded to wander dreamily thru the hanging clothes. i hate shopping but sometimes i like stores as places to be...with all those cameras hardly anyone pays you any attention.

as i sifted thru the underwear i wondered if it was the urge to have a baby that was causing such great pain upon my body each month...a sick urge not for the child itself but to get knocked up. fertilized like a dumb dripping plant.

the blond countergirl with the skinny body and fat face was asking one of her minions about the delivery options at the new burger place down the street.

"a burger...?" she said, as tho she had never before said the word aloud.

"you mean, i could just, like, order a burger and they'd bring it here and i could eat a BUR-GER? holy shit. you guys. i think i want a burger."

"yeah," one of the androgynous pixie minions chimed, "a bur-ger."

"i want it really raw," the blond said. it was impossible to tell if she was being facetious or not. i kept grabbing more and more underwear and feeling the texture of each pair with my fingers.

"i want lettuce, and tomatoes and ewwww no onions! and lots of ketchup and a big TOASTED bun"

"oh my god," a minion screeched, "do you want fries?!"

"yes!" the blond gasped, like she'd just creamed her jeans.

"here." I came up to the counter with my loads of underwear, all different colors and sizes.

"you know that there isn't a return policy on underwear," she said to me, her voice sweet and patient and kind and completly different.

"i know," i said, disarmed and shy.

"ok," she said, and silently ran each pair over the black panel of the scanner. there was an extra small thong followed by large boy pants followed by things i didn't even recognize.

suddenly, she threw her head back and was again addressing her minions:

"holy shit guys, can i get CHEESE on that bur-ger?"