i can feel the world vibrating off its core as it shows me how simultaneously alive and dead it is
the tree in front of me is so still, its branches are like the arms of a statue. each little leaf however is trembling wildly, achey shakey breaky.
my outsides are frozen but my insides are jumping...i know that one will take care of the other--if i break this self-imposed paralysis one step after one step will lead me across the busy avenue (the streaming cars and bobbing heads of people, the lights and the glares where the lights haphazardly converge) and i'll find my feet leading me straight to the bar, where i'd hesitate as always at the door before disappearing inside or else to the liquor store, where there's no hesitation... prolly the liqour store cuz i have money and im so ashamed...i dont want anyone to see the lame, stupid, broken me that i see..i'd rather be curled up beneath my window, drinking myself unconscious...
the urge to drink is the urge to sink to the bottom of the ocean, where the me of the here and now can become one again with the wrecked barge of my past, which sits motionless on the soft ocean floor, split open by the raw rainbow sea aneome muscle of philosophical and psychological investigation in full bloom--its bulbous, yellow and green fingers curling in and stretching out in synchronized grasps...
the weight of the ocean swings back and forth with the thick, unstoppable grace of a pendulum.
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