Money, Power, Respect

"i dunno...it's not like i feel like i need to protect myself or something...," i said with a chuckle.

"why else would you want a gun if not to protect yourself?"

"i dunno..." i said, fidgeting in the recliner. I stared up for the millionth time at the painting of the baby in a diaper floating against an amorphous grey background and for the millionth time i was made uneasy.

"just to have it!" i said suddenly--my voice unexpectedly loud.

"you know...to look at."

"i see," he said as his mouth turned up in that funny smile of his.

"i know, i know," i said, waving my hand in the air. "the phallus. i want the phallus. yep. i KNOW."

"i didn't say that."

"oh, like you had to say it! isn't it obvious?"

"well, i don't think so."

"that's cuz you like me and you know i'm broke as a joke so you don't wanna waste time with that elementary shit."

the room was quiet. I could hear the hum of the white noise machine by the door, and beyond that, the water sizzling in the pipes and beyond that, a muffled conversation in the lobby.

i sat slouched with my hair in my face and my legs spread wide.

"i think you want control," he said, finally. "i think that's what you think you're missing on this journey that you're on."

"hmm," i said.

"if this is a journey maybe i should get a car instead."











unwellness