9.12.2005



im so fucking paranoid right now. my leg is shaking. i can understand why people jump up and suddenly rob liquor stores to take the edge off.



ha.

it goes like DIS:

yr life has been sinking for a while, like an overturned ocean liner whose hull is slowly filling with water until one day BAM u freak the fuck out over something comparatively lame, like a lost file or a deal that fell thru and suddenly yr announcing in a brassy tone that doesn't sound at all like yr usual stoner drawl that yr gonna jump out the fucking window and before anyone can say anything or give u a fake laugh u step like a giant, robotic crane over to the window where u pop open the latch and swing out the frame. the wind does not wake u up or bring u yr senses back, if anything the fresh air and white noise of the ventilators' indifferent humming seems vaguely soothing and the next thing u know yr climbing out on to the sill as everyone around u breaks out of their freeze frame and starts screaming and rushing over. u think to yrself, im an idiot, im a nut...at last there's no denying it...at last they'll be forced to face the facts and as u stare at yr scuffed office casual shoes u wonder wtf am i doing as a jackhammer bangs out a beat somewhere far in the distance...maybe even in another borough...another time, another place, where there are shadows of leaves dancing on the streets and the jingle of an ice-cream truck and the smell of a pall mall that the old man in front of u lights...an old man with time to kill but none to spare as he's getting closer to the end, just like u, on the ledge, where it's dawning on u that this is real and there won't be do over and yr not sure how yr gonna get back thru the window--it was as wide as a wound when u walked thru but now its shrunk to a peephole--so u slap yr hands flat against the wall as yr knees lock and for the first time u let yrself look all the way DOWN.



jamie


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