"to kill a mockingnerd"
k and i saw last days this weekend. i liked it. i felt like it managed to get into the suicidal mindset of all vibe and no consequence...the inability to communicate as the world recedes into its own reflection, (which is itself a reflection, of a reflection, of a...) the way the trees up above move over a car windshield like a camera trick and obscures the faces of the people riding inside...
the way yr brain is filled with sad little marbles that knock against each other and make u mumble when u talk.
i came close to intentionally killing myself a couple of times. i got everything set-up...once it was gonna be a candy bowl full of percocets and a bottle of wine, and another, even more serious time i filled the bath and opened my switchblade and carefully placed it on the soapdish. i had pictures of people i knew scattered on the black and white tiled floor. i called some of them and apparently didn't make a lick of sense, but managed to scare the shit out of them nonetheless. man, i was such an asshole and a sad, pathetic sack. i remember how still everything became during those moments as i contemplated my exit...the room creaked and dripped around me and the refrigerator buzzed on and off and outside the light changed as i sat down to write my letters.
both times i got as far as the "dear whoever" and got so mired in how to explain myself that i ended up writing something else instead.
some pointless little doo-dad without a beginning, middle or end.
u can't believe yr luck