FUCK BUSH

this morning howard stern played a really good april fools trick: instead of his show starting as always, the station manager of k-rock came on and explained that due to the troubles with the fcc and the station's desire to appease its sponsors, it was no longer going to broadcast the howard stern show. taking its place would be a new, "clean" morning show called cross and lopez.

i heard the replay of the opening jingle of the show and i'm telling you it was pretty good. it was this super slick, sound collage of guitars, britney samples, and voices shouting yeah! in excited r-r-reverb. "Cross and Lopez," an announcer crooned, "Now, fun without the filth!" and "More fun than getting dirty!" As electronic alarm clocks went off and people sang, "Wake Up!" in the background.

It was at that point that the two new hosts, Cross and Lopez, introduced themselves as the replacement and antidote to the indecent Howard Stern. From the playbacks I thought they sounded totally legit. They had that seamless corporate glossiness to them, if it's possible to use such a word when describing a medium based in sound. Anyway, it was so believable that channel 11 news (The WB) reported the story, Howard Stern Fired! "It shows how the WB really gets out there and checks the facts before they broadcast a story," remarked Howard. The station later retracted the story. (you can go look it up yrself, i can't be fucked to put in the links)

In addition to supposedly reputable news stations, a good portion of Howard's loyal legion of fans fell for it. They started calling the new show and having hissy fits. A lot of what they said couldn't be aired under the new, cleaner format of CNL, (that the new clean show duly censored callers only made the joke more believable) but Howard played it after he came back on the air when, an hour and fifteen minutes into the broadcast, CNL's "crack" newsteam reported the story from the field--"In what appears to be an elaborate April Fools joke, Howard Stern was fired today and replaced by a new morning show team, Cross and Lopez".

One of the callers was this totally hilarious russian dude who went off on CNL and demanded to know why the FCC hadn't consulted "all americans" to find out if they wanted Howard or not.

"Americans like me!" he shouted in his thick accent. He then declared that he hoped CNL got cancer.

Meanwhile, ultimate opportunist Donald Trump wasted no time appearing on the Imus show.

Whatever. Fitz called and said everyone was talking about it at his spinning class this morning. The point of me writing about this is it was a funny joke, and that, as irregular listener of the show, I was pleased to check in today and hear that the dude still has his stuff. i've had a thing for howard ever since i was little, when my father listened to him, despite the fact that he drove my mother nuts.

he's racist! she shouted, and he hates women!

whenever we drove somewhere in the morning and it happened to be just the two of us, my father would put on the show at the super loud volume that he played everything at, on account of his bum ear with the blown out ear drum.

now don't tell yr mother, he told me, in between us cracking up.

and if ever something super racy came on, he'd switch the station or punch in a tape, and the car would fill with the fine young cannibals or the bangles or some other equally odd band from that time that he'd taken a liking too.

he's always considered himself something of a pop connoisseur. i used to tag along when we went into the mall record stores to buy "tapes." i got to read the inside cover while we drove home and he blasted his new purchase.

listen to that--the harmonies! he'd exclaim excitedly.

i guess that's where i get my whole flipping-out-while-dancing-and-jumping-on-someone's-back-and-screaming-in-their-ear-thing from.

at any rate, howard makes me laugh. he's been doing the same daily, four hour show for years and now they make a scapegoat out of him...he really might go off the air... victim to this lame ass culture of decency 1950s throw back dealy we got goin on.

SO ANYWAY. my real point is that sometime while i was listening to all this, havin my first high of the day with the newspaper spread out before me--with its litany of violence, destruction and region wide crisis--it came to me all at once. the slogan. the mantra. it was to be from me that it was transmitted.

FUCK BUSH.


everywhere. on t-shirts on graffiti on stickers on billboards on trains on the internet. maybe we can get that dude from giant to help.

i'm serious. think of ways to spread it.

like making it the number one search term in google

skywriting

put it on yr skateboard and crack yr head open, i don't know

(and it has to say 'fuck' and not be blocked out or whatever)

i'm gonna think some more on this.