Weed, Destroy, Kill!!!

Some time off of writing. Some time off of pills.

I ran away because I was hungry and I couldn’t take it.

Weed, Destroy, Kill!!!

Guitar, cooking, body bags—the rock of crack as big as the Ritz.

I’m in Arizona getting some shooting done. I’m directing a little girl with a blonde flattop and a white tank top to be Sterling Fassbinder. It’s a tough part to act. “Never Let Me Down Again,” by Depeche Mode plays during the sequence when she tears down the desert highway in her convertible humvee. We have two cameras, lots of water, some food and beer in cans. When the sun sets and the bejeweled, black carpet sky rolls out with its strange, alien mountain coolness, it’s up to me to turn on the bright lights.

I wish there had been adequate time for rehearsal. As it is, we’ve got to boogie out of here before the Indians get sick of us. If I had my way, the leads would have worked out for 6-8 weeks, then stopped a week and a half before shooting and gone back to partying and taking drugs. That way they would have been firm, but natural looking. Right now, posing by the power station with their cigarettes and stiff collars of their vintage Polo shirts turned up, the best they look is natural.

Me, I’m another story altogether. Skin and bones, lying on my back, eating a Dove Bar. Lately, I’ve been choking whenever I eat meat. Well, not choking but I have the constant, maddening feeling of almost-choking. I’ve got to chew one bite of a turkey and cheese sandwich a thousand times until it’s like soup before I can even think about swallowing it.

I feel revolted. Maybe it’s because there are so many animals out west. Lately, I've become unnerved by how they look back at us: when all is said and done it’s true that animals and humans recognize one another like players on opposing teams, staring into each other’s helmets.

I don’t want to be a vampire. Wasn’t it Gandhi who went on about all that? Somehow, however, I know that even if I learn everything that he learned, I still wouldn’t be able to help doing it. The fact is, I like taking from people too much.

For example: I’ve been thinking about coming back to New York. If this transit strike still happens, the cops will be all tied up, like they are during any crisis. It will be a great time for illegal activity.