Everyone! Everywhere! (i'd love to turn u on mix)
It might not always seem like it but there's a method to the madness. I'm on an art mission. I've got a story to tell. There are many times I want to write about it in a way that just shouts it out--like punk lyrics or an old time blog post, the kind where u let it all hang out--but something stops me. It says, gather these stories and weave them together--work as hard as you can on a unicorn tapestry made out of words. Years spent pulling the strings together to tell the story of something that never happened, but is still TRUE.
What I will tell you right now is that a few months ago I saw Jesus. Ferreals. I was on Lexington Ave heading home after walking my bf to the station. It was a blustery day--oddly enough I can't remember if it was late summer or fall--but I know it was before November, when everything changed. At the corner of 85th street there was a woman sitting on a plastic milk crate under the scaffolding, holding out a cardboard coffee cup and asking for help. I had caught her in the corner of my eye earlier when we passed, shuffling along in a river of human bodies that empited out the double doors of the extra-long city bus. She had bright bottle blond hair and a stout frame. Not young but not too old either, although it is difficult to tell with people on the streets. A large metal cane leaned against her. I didn't see her face, but her voice sounded pleasant and kind. It stayed with me as we walked on--like a song or a memory:
"Have a wonderful day, everyone--please spare some change if you can. God bless...god bless you all."
Strange as it seemed a part of me desperately wanted her blessing. I could feel it deep in my gut like a hunger.
When I came back the wind was blowing sideways, sweeping up pieces of newspaper, leaves and coffee lids and swirling them around in the air in front of where she sat.
I crossed the river of rushing people and quickly shoved some money in her cup.
"God Bless you," she said, and her voice--directed at me!-- rang through my entire body--the molecules in my chest chimed like a billion bells. I was suddenly super high, like i'd been given a concentrated spoonful of next level THC
I looked at her face and into her eyes. They were deep set but bright and clear like a new born baby's but without being new--as I looked I could see the shadow of something ancient and huge fall across them, a dark form that buzzed not with evil or insanity but with fertility and strength.
It was the darkness of forest trees that form a towering wall against the sky--the darkness of soil, stuffed with life born out of death. Holes of darker darkness are dug for seeds to be buried and consumed like currency.
And suddenly I knew who the woman was. It was a knowing that came faster than words or thoughts--it was an instinctual reaction--a constriction of blood vessels--a firing of neurons and dopamine.
A second or so later the word unfolded like a banner in my brain:
It was HIS face that I was looking at. I knew this with complete and utter certainty. It was he who said, "God Bless you." Jesus was in front of me on the corner--sick yet strong, poor yet smiling.
"Thank-you," I said, still staring. His/her gaze held steady on to mine as the wind blew and the rain splashed the side of my face and neck. The scaffolding shook around us menacingly. Hoods and umbrellas went up as crowds of people turned away
(But i just had to look-- having read The Book)
I don't remember walking back home but I remember that there were tears running down my face. Tears of joy.
I was blessed.
I was lost in glimmering shadows.
I was free!