Heroin nearly killed me, but I’m an alcoholic, first and foremost. All the truly wonderful and terrible things in my life happened when I was drunk.

It’s been almost three years, but I still have dreams in which I’m having a drink. Last night, for instance. I had a dream that TRUE and I were lifting beautifully clear, proper Scotch glasses filled to the rim with glowing amber liquid. We faced each other and made a toast. I couldn’t see her eyes, there was something dark over them. A shadow or a mask. I remember thinking, fuck me, it’s only 6 in the morning, what am I going to do about work? It was so real that I could feel the ice cubes sloshing around…I could smell the whiskey, that strong, unwavering fume that filled me with terror and promised to keep me far away from god.

I took a sip and even though it was a dream, I felt like I was awake for the first time in years.

No comments: